Anyone that isn't Maddi that is about to read this post, it's in response to this one: http://maddimbury.blogspot.ca/2013/11/im-damn-bed-sheet.html
To the girl who knows all about me and loves me any way,
The girl whose friendship is one I know will outlast the ages regardless of how often we see each other.
To the girl who I know I drive crazy sometimes but is the same girl that taught me what it means to listen and how important it is.
The girl who wrote the blog post that both infuriated me and broke my heart.
To my Maddi:
I believe in asking questions, asking you questions. I'm sorry I haven't been around to ask them in a while. But on that note, you've always been the friend that gave me what she needed to when her load got to heavy, I'm still here and I'll still help you carry it - but I can only listen when you get my attention; I zone out a lot. Remember that.
I know that blog wasn't directed at me, but I felt it - and it broke all my feels into a million little pieces.
And for the record, I've known since the first time we were at the Osmond's together that you don't like goats. I'm sorry I didn't realize they were the bane of all your fear. I hope this website helps: http://www.goat-trauma.org/
To the girl who is always a part of my wedding party whenever I consider that future day,
The girl who, from day one, opened more than her heart to me but her incredible family and their home, too.
To the girl who screams purple, but loves yellow more than Coldplay,
The girl who hits me in her sleep.
To my Maddi:
I know that you hate hugs, but you have always given them to me anyways because you did it for me. You and your mother both. You get your heart from her, no matter how much you're like your dad. Except when it comes to Gibby; your old man loves that dog, and I will never. ever. ever. understand why. I know your brother drives you crazy, but I've never seen you in his shadow - no matter how big his ego driven personality made it. As for dirty laundry, it's really not that important, there's always washing machines; if yours is broken, you can use mine - that dirt never did anyone any good anyways.
To the girl who is one of the smartest people I know, and not because she gets good grades or knows big words, but because she pours all of herself into everything - especially her studies.
The girl who loves Starbucks as much as I do but who I never go with,
To the girl whose natural musical talent has always blown me away; and to think it all started with Vanessa Carlton every time we were near a piano, for years..
The girl who is a chasing the wind.
To my Maddi:
You are one of the best friends I have. And probably ever will. You are the perfect balance of selfless and selfish who somehow manages only to play one of those cards at a time - but that's what makes you crazy and that crazy is what never fails to make me laugh.
Please don't feed the monsters under your bed, they're only going to tell you these lies over again.
I know this time will pass, because eventually they all do.
I move home next month, lets make you and me into us again.
Dearest Maddi, don't sell yourself so short - you're much too tall for that.
PS. I don't know about you, but I've never thrown out a damn bed sheet - I have a couple I really like, I wash them up, shake 'em out and go at it again. Give yourself another chance.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Enough is enough!
Today a seemingly constant theme ran through the text conversation between my dad and I today:
Being enough.
Both facing our own insecurities as to what it meant to be enough. Enough of a provider, enough of a husband, enough of a daughter, enough of an example, enough of a student, enough of a granddaughter... the list is relative and ultimately endless. But you know what is endless? My tolerance for allowing the world's standards to define who I am and what makes me good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, likeable enough, just enough.
All my life I've been fooled into believing that if I looked the part, and played the part, that if my report card looked the way certain people expected to and if society saw me as a good fit, that I'd be happy and people would want and love me.
WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?
None of that matters.
Sorry, let me make sure you got that: what ever you think it is that makes you _____ enough, none of it matters.
Now, some of you out there may be thinking: "But if I don't have good enough marks then I'm not going to get the scholarship/job/whatever it is that I want and everyone is going to be disappointed in me.." And yes, that's true you may not get that scholarship or whatever it is your stressing over - that's not what I'm getting at.
What I am trying to tell you is that if you're doing your best, that's all anyone can ask of you, including YOURSELF. Quit comparing yourself to others. If you look around and consider the people that you want to see you as enough, the ones you want to be proud of you, the ones you want to love you, I can almost guarantee that if they are people that you should truly have in your life that they are going to support you through your failures, wanting nothing more than for you to succeed - even if that means failing by the world's status quo.
That there, was an incredible difficult concept for me to grasp, and in all honesty, I haven't grasped it in its entirety.
Today it really hit me when, using all the tact and compassion I could, I stood up to someone who means a lot to me but I have spent my entire life catering to, doing everything to make them happy. I didn't have any peace until I told this person that I believed I was doing all that I could, and that after all this time, all I could hope is that they'd be happy for me. They haven't said anything to me yet, but I'm okay with what I said and am proud of myself for saying it.
Anyways, the real point of this was to say maybe it's about time some of us re-evaluate why it is we're striving to get to, or to accomplish, or complete what it is we are. To think about who it is we're trying to impress...our parents? society? our social network 'friends'?...maybe it's time for us to take a step back, look at our lives and let out a whopping "Who cares?!" and carry on.
Today when I realized that pass or fail, right or wrong, I have people that are still going to be there loving me and encouraging me no matter what, that was the best inspiration to do my best I could've asked for. It dawned on me that I've been doing "this" all wrong, trying to please people that I didn't even know and people that aren't even in my life anymore; people that don't matter.
Dr Seuss once said something like: 'Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind'....what a smart guy he is...
Listen, I'm not saying that you should just give up and live just for whatever it is that makes you happy, because that's not how life works (if it did, I'd be on a snowboard somewhere with a fresh blanket of snow, or somewhere in Ireland finding my husband)..You have to work , and some of us have to work harder than others, but that doesn't make us worth any less. And that doesn't mean we can't be happy while doing it. It just means that we need to recheck our "why" and our "for who" that we're doing all it is that we're doing.
I guess more than anything, to all of those of you who read this.. Consider this to be my public declaration that from here on out, I'm just going to try my best and pass or fail, I'm going to stay true to who I am and who I've been created to be. Because that's all I can do; be me...and I guess if you don't like who that is, than that's really just too bad for you.
Being enough.
Both facing our own insecurities as to what it meant to be enough. Enough of a provider, enough of a husband, enough of a daughter, enough of an example, enough of a student, enough of a granddaughter... the list is relative and ultimately endless. But you know what is endless? My tolerance for allowing the world's standards to define who I am and what makes me good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, likeable enough, just enough.
All my life I've been fooled into believing that if I looked the part, and played the part, that if my report card looked the way certain people expected to and if society saw me as a good fit, that I'd be happy and people would want and love me.
WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?
None of that matters.
Sorry, let me make sure you got that: what ever you think it is that makes you _____ enough, none of it matters.
Now, some of you out there may be thinking: "But if I don't have good enough marks then I'm not going to get the scholarship/job/whatever it is that I want and everyone is going to be disappointed in me.." And yes, that's true you may not get that scholarship or whatever it is your stressing over - that's not what I'm getting at.
What I am trying to tell you is that if you're doing your best, that's all anyone can ask of you, including YOURSELF. Quit comparing yourself to others. If you look around and consider the people that you want to see you as enough, the ones you want to be proud of you, the ones you want to love you, I can almost guarantee that if they are people that you should truly have in your life that they are going to support you through your failures, wanting nothing more than for you to succeed - even if that means failing by the world's status quo.
That there, was an incredible difficult concept for me to grasp, and in all honesty, I haven't grasped it in its entirety.
Today it really hit me when, using all the tact and compassion I could, I stood up to someone who means a lot to me but I have spent my entire life catering to, doing everything to make them happy. I didn't have any peace until I told this person that I believed I was doing all that I could, and that after all this time, all I could hope is that they'd be happy for me. They haven't said anything to me yet, but I'm okay with what I said and am proud of myself for saying it.
Anyways, the real point of this was to say maybe it's about time some of us re-evaluate why it is we're striving to get to, or to accomplish, or complete what it is we are. To think about who it is we're trying to impress...our parents? society? our social network 'friends'?...maybe it's time for us to take a step back, look at our lives and let out a whopping "Who cares?!" and carry on.
Today when I realized that pass or fail, right or wrong, I have people that are still going to be there loving me and encouraging me no matter what, that was the best inspiration to do my best I could've asked for. It dawned on me that I've been doing "this" all wrong, trying to please people that I didn't even know and people that aren't even in my life anymore; people that don't matter.
Dr Seuss once said something like: 'Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind'....what a smart guy he is...
Listen, I'm not saying that you should just give up and live just for whatever it is that makes you happy, because that's not how life works (if it did, I'd be on a snowboard somewhere with a fresh blanket of snow, or somewhere in Ireland finding my husband)..You have to work , and some of us have to work harder than others, but that doesn't make us worth any less. And that doesn't mean we can't be happy while doing it. It just means that we need to recheck our "why" and our "for who" that we're doing all it is that we're doing.
I guess more than anything, to all of those of you who read this.. Consider this to be my public declaration that from here on out, I'm just going to try my best and pass or fail, I'm going to stay true to who I am and who I've been created to be. Because that's all I can do; be me...and I guess if you don't like who that is, than that's really just too bad for you.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
a beautiful disaster.
For those of you who don't know, my church participates in a world wide 24/7 prayer week. In which, we fill every hour of each day for an entire week with continuous prayer. Tonight, I have the honour of spending the night in our designated prayer room with one of my newer but best friends worshiping, praying to, and praising our amazing saviour.
Being Christian comes with it's criticisms, so if you must - go ahead: your words will only provoke further exploration into who God is, because we've all got questions: it's what you do with the answers that really matter..but I digress...
Tonight as we have fought to stay awake, I told Erin more of my story and filled in the gaps that have left her curious as to how I've gotten to where and who I am now (...and am becoming). While retelling the events of my life that have more than challenged me, the events that have broken me down, stolen my joy, rendered me helpless and hopeless, the events that have forever changed how I see the world and life within it. But to tell you the truth, there's not a whole lot I would change or even take back.
You see, in the bible, all the trials and hard times, all the plagues, droughts, deaths, sickness, frogs, all the brothers that tried to kill the others, the lepers, the prostitutes and harlots, all the big fish and floods, the blind, the deaf, and the crippled...God used all of them for good, as teaching moments, so much so that they're recorded in the oldest, and longest survived work of literature in the history of this world.
Looking back over my life, I can't help but hope that it is made more than evident that there's something different about how I've "made it out" of the life that I was born into.
God has shown so much grace, endless devotion, and the purest of committed love.
Now if you'd like, you're more than welcome to go on believing that the events and circumstances in my life are nothing more than a sequence of serendipity, but all the timing, the feelings, and the triumphs, all the ways that the bad has been used for good - if you want to believe that that was all a matter of karma and chance, be my guest. But I refuse.
If I were to choose one verse and one verse alone to represent this post and my thoughts tonight, it would be Romans 8:28, And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
People who know my story, even just bits and pieces, including people that have watched me go through life, they have a hard time understanding how I've managed to "not fall with the wrong crowd", "graduate high school much less get to university", "not have a baby and drop out", and a quite a few more... But it comes down to hope.
Even when I didn't know that God was much more than what comes after 'Oh my' or before 'damnit', He was watching over me and filling my needs and hearts desires. He's had my back all along.
Now, bear with me here, I'm not about to write out my entire life story, but if you ever want to know: ask me. My story is no longer something that brings me shame, but is now something I can just take and proudly say, this is who I am, and this is where I've been and this how I've gotten to where I am now.
Call him what you want, but to me, God is my redeemer, my hope, my strength, my grace, and my provider... and I am SO thankful for all the ways He has and continues to prove all those attributes of his character. If I could articulate the magnitude of my gratefulness, believe me, I would.
My life is a testament of bad circumstances made beautiful through an unfailing love of a perfect Saviour. Nothing more, nothing less.
Being Christian comes with it's criticisms, so if you must - go ahead: your words will only provoke further exploration into who God is, because we've all got questions: it's what you do with the answers that really matter..but I digress...
Tonight as we have fought to stay awake, I told Erin more of my story and filled in the gaps that have left her curious as to how I've gotten to where and who I am now (...and am becoming). While retelling the events of my life that have more than challenged me, the events that have broken me down, stolen my joy, rendered me helpless and hopeless, the events that have forever changed how I see the world and life within it. But to tell you the truth, there's not a whole lot I would change or even take back.
You see, in the bible, all the trials and hard times, all the plagues, droughts, deaths, sickness, frogs, all the brothers that tried to kill the others, the lepers, the prostitutes and harlots, all the big fish and floods, the blind, the deaf, and the crippled...God used all of them for good, as teaching moments, so much so that they're recorded in the oldest, and longest survived work of literature in the history of this world.
Looking back over my life, I can't help but hope that it is made more than evident that there's something different about how I've "made it out" of the life that I was born into.
God has shown so much grace, endless devotion, and the purest of committed love.
Now if you'd like, you're more than welcome to go on believing that the events and circumstances in my life are nothing more than a sequence of serendipity, but all the timing, the feelings, and the triumphs, all the ways that the bad has been used for good - if you want to believe that that was all a matter of karma and chance, be my guest. But I refuse.
If I were to choose one verse and one verse alone to represent this post and my thoughts tonight, it would be Romans 8:28, And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
People who know my story, even just bits and pieces, including people that have watched me go through life, they have a hard time understanding how I've managed to "not fall with the wrong crowd", "graduate high school much less get to university", "not have a baby and drop out", and a quite a few more... But it comes down to hope.
Even when I didn't know that God was much more than what comes after 'Oh my' or before 'damnit', He was watching over me and filling my needs and hearts desires. He's had my back all along.
Now, bear with me here, I'm not about to write out my entire life story, but if you ever want to know: ask me. My story is no longer something that brings me shame, but is now something I can just take and proudly say, this is who I am, and this is where I've been and this how I've gotten to where I am now.
Call him what you want, but to me, God is my redeemer, my hope, my strength, my grace, and my provider... and I am SO thankful for all the ways He has and continues to prove all those attributes of his character. If I could articulate the magnitude of my gratefulness, believe me, I would.
My life is a testament of bad circumstances made beautiful through an unfailing love of a perfect Saviour. Nothing more, nothing less.
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