Mirror, mirror.

Remember that time you looked in the mirror and realized you were no longer the person you once were?

Today, that happened to me.

As my day progressed, I guess you could say I was hyper-aware of myself; I noticed little things I was doing that I can promise you I once would not have done…in saying that I can confidently state that the thing I was doing that seemed so new felt equally comfortable, really comfortable, but still new, that 'thing' was that I was being me.

All in, authentically me.

If I thought I could accurately articulate what that looks like in words, I would try but I don’t think I can.
(You'll just have to look for it yourself...)

When I got home tonight, my reflection caught my attention and as I looked myself straight in the face it hit me that the girl starring back at me wasn’t the same girl that would’ve been 3 years ago.
 I saw the brightness in her eyes, I saw the confidence in her posture, I saw the peace she had within herself, I saw the freedom she’d fought for.

I saw her.


I saw me.

I should've graduated university this year, but I didn't.

I graduated high school in 2011, meaning that I would've just completed my final year of university this spring.

At 18, I had a plan that had two paths, two options, and two very different potential outcomes: I was either going to attend an internship at UrbanPromise Toronto, or I was going to attend York University to study French.
Comparable to many 11 year olds waiting to get their letter from Hogwarts, I waited for my acceptance letter to university. While I waited, many of my friends received the letters that came in the big envelopes, you know, the ones that spell out 'Congratulations' right on the front cover? Yes that was what I was waiting for...Eventually, I got envelopes too - they were just much smaller.
Good thing I had Plan B, right?

Well, to my knowledge, Plan B is still out there somewhere...it just wasn't the plan B for me.

Somewhere in the middle of my applications to UrbanPromise, I came to the conclusion that I should go back to high school for my victory lap; a second chance to get better marks and try the whole university thing again. After a tumultuous year of adventure and trial, I made it to the end of June with an acceptance letter and a small package of confetti from Brock University.  I knew very little about the process and even less about what I was getting myself into, but it all worked out and two months later I moved into my dorm and set sail on the beginning of what I thought would be my next four years.

Eight months passed, and I'm not sure I had ever been so miserable. The moment I realized maybe this wasn't for me, I was on the phone with my friend Sara expressing my feelings of inadequacy between sobs. She reassured me I'd be okay, and that I could in fact handle the mess I had made. I made it to the end of first year, unsure if the uni life was what I wanted but based on the friends that helped me move back to Brantford that summer, I knew that no matter what I was anything but alone.

I spent that summer soul-searching and summer studenting for Freedom House; which is essentially the same thing - believe me, at 2am serving burgers, your true self comes out whether you want it to happen or not.

I decided to give university a second try that fall...let me just put it this way for you: if you'd like to know how to blow $9,000 very quickly, I learned how that year!

I fell, and hard. But I'm not any less of a person for it, and I've no less potential as a result.

I think if I could leave you with anything, it would be to remember that plans change - you change. But life goes on, and there's always something better coming up, most of the time you just don't know it.

I'm back in school now, studying social work -- a subject matter I should've been studying from the very start. And maybe would have been if I had just followed my heart. Because quite frankly, as cheesy as that sounds, those things you like have been put inside of you for a reason.

I may not have learned the easy way, but I learned in the end that what we think are the best laid plans aren't always best, and the biggest chances we take may leave us flat on our face. One way or the other though, I hope we're brave enough to try.


I should've graduated university this year, but I didn't -- and that's okay.

An open letter to my mom..

Hey Mom, 

Guess what? It's our third Mother's Day already! We spent the whole day together today and I had a great day; I really hope you did too. Our picnic was fun, I think we should definitely do that again. I know my ideas are a little crazy and that sometimes I'm a lot to handle, and likely even more when I'm hyper or in a mood...but I really enjoy spending time with you - especially when you're feeling silly. I know how rare it is for you to show the world that side of you, but it's one of my favourite things about you.   

I know I've told you this before, and I can pretty well guarantee that this won't be the last either: I would give anything for you to see yourself how I do. So tonight, as another day comes to an end, I'm going to remind you of a few things:

 I don't even expect you to be perfect, no one else should either - not even you. 

You've made mistakes, I've mistakes, and we're going to keep making them. Remember that it's okay. We just have to do our best, forgive, and try again. From what I understand about this life, on average, it's not easy...and we, Momma, our story is anything but ordinary. 

I feel like I can say with absolute confidence that every parent feels like they're doing it all wrong and messing it up. So remember to have grace, and I'll do my best to follow suit. 

You're really a natural; there's a true mothers' heart inside of you whether you can hear it beating in your chest or not.  Take my word for it, I hear every time you hug me.

The sound is beautiful, much like the body that heart calls home. I know sometimes you don't see what I see, it happens. But in those moments, please remember how you've taught me that it's not about what other people think, it's about how comfortable and confident I feel in my own skin. 

Remember that I make messes, in my room, the kitchen, the bathroom, and really everywhere.  I make things messy and I make mistakes.  Please know that I'm sorry, life is tricky and I'm often oblivious.  But above all, know that the times you've taken the time to teach me how to me make it right are lessons I already treasure...even if it tests your patience.  

Thank you for setting such an example of grace, perseverance, and love.  I know you sometimes feel like the time in life we missed out on somehow disqualifies you from being my mom...but Momma, the woman I've been becoming since you called me yours is all because of the mother you are ...and when it comes to time, we have so much time ahead no matter what got left behind..

There are so many things I wish I could say but my yawns are getting in the way...  

Mom, if I can leave you with anything at the end of this day, please always remember that nothing we go through, or put each other through, can break us down or apart.  We are so strong.

And even stronger together.  

Every day that you get up, and choose to love me, when it's good, and especially when it's bad, you earn your stripes..You love me, you fight for me, and you always want what you believe is best for me.  

You see, Mom, you may not have birthed my life, but time after time you've saved it. We've battled through lightest of light and the darkest of dark, and we're still here. And if God ever gave me the chance to do this all again, knowing all I do now...between you and any other mom in the world -- I'd still choose you. Every time.  Forever and always, no matter what.  

I love you and happy Mother's Day, 

Sunshine 

63 113 851.9 seconds.

All day I've been trying to figure out what to write about, maybe more how than what...

You see my friends, two years ago tonight, we started on the biggest adventure possible: becoming a family. 

We didn't mean to, but I think that's what makes it so special: this was God's plan, not ours.  

Our little family isn't perfect.  

Far from in fact.  

But we're us.  

And that's what matters. 

There's been laughter, tears, fights, and fears.  

Lots of all of it.  

The latter three generally went together somehow.  

But when it all comes down to it, and I think back to 730 days ago...knowing I might not be alive, much less wouldn't be anywhere near who I am becoming without the two incredible people on the other end of this couch. They've supported me, believed in me, fought for me, and above all else, loved me. 

We fight and we fall. But our little family. It's strong. Stronger than anything I've ever seen. 

On that fateful night, two years ago, we were doing the exact same thing.  Cookies and all. 

Not saying we're the same, because we're the furtherest thing from but I'd like to think that it's a shred of proof that straight from the beginning, this was right.  

A friend of mine once described love like this 

"...Nothing is easy though and love is no exception.  Love is raw and leaves you vulnerable and exposed.  Not everyone reciprocates our love.  Not everyone practices unconditional love.  But choosing love is always what we are called to do regardless of what is done unto us.  Love has many rewards when it is shared.  We feel a connection with another person.  We feel safe and secure.  We find our identity within the choice to love.  It has the potential to empower us and destroy us.  It is truly amazing when you find someone to share love with." 

Mom and Dad, thank you for sharing love with me.  I only hope that children who one day find themselves in my care, will one day experience the fierceness of love I know because of you both.  If I can be half the parents you are to me, I'll be set. Thank you for being such examples of godly lives, a pure marriage, and a faithful heart.  

A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

We are not breakable.  

Sunshine, over and out.  

Blueprints

Wow, time really does fly.

It's been months since my last post and I'd like to say that so much has happened, but at the same time, nothing really has.  Maybe it's because I'm constantly growing and changing, becoming and embracing more and more of the true & whole me:

I am the least and most hipster of hipsters. I'm a little more "no collar" than I've ever embraced but definitely should've sooner. Life is a lot more enjoyable when you're looking through your own eyes instead of worrying about how other's are seeing you through theirs. So here's to my friends in the mismatched patterns, flowy shirts, and birkenstocks. Those of you out there who doodle like it's their day job and whose actual day jobs may be a little unconventional, or at least you wish it was.

Speaking of unconventional... I recently have had an unreal reality check: my future isn't going to be a 'normal' one. I've decided to chase after the "impossible" and everyday I seem to find more and more people who are almost more on board than I am most days.

To the people who remember and believe in my dreams, even when I forget them: Thank you.

One of my upcoming assignments is to write about a poverty related issue in a local region. I chose at -risk children and youth in Brantford. A major portion of the paper is write out 3-5 recommendations that I would have to help tackle this issue in our society. That means I get to write about my home for emancipated youth, for homework. Yes folks- that means I am putting my dreams on paper.

It's one of the most terrifyingly exhilarating things I think I've ever anticipated.

Until I have a formal write-up, here's my heart:

No. More. Orphans.

It may not be a total reality that I see in my life time, but you best believe I'll be dedicating my life to getting that ball rolling. 

The plan for my life, is to find a property and set up a home for youth ages 16-24 that allows youth to learn life skills that they not have from parents or caregivers during their childhood and teen years. This is something that's crucial in youth that are aging out of the system that may not have had steady and solid foster home placements. Too many youth get sent out, set out, and fall out into the world who haven't the slightest clue how to cope and as a result grow into our homeless adult population - or worse.

Think about how many of the stories you've heard throughout your life of people who at one point or another "had so much potential" that no one helped grow, that no one invested in, that no one cared even to notice: Where would those people be now?

That boy under the bridge who is selling drugs, verging on an all too serious and killer addiction himself, destroying every organ inside his young body. The thing is, he's unbelievably talented when it comes to chemistry. His drugs sell the best because he's figured out what will cause the best high. What if someone told him he could be developing chemical compounds that would save lives?

What about that girl on the street corner, it's her first night out there, she's scared out of her mind...she's freezing in clothes that you wouldn't even expect to see in a music video. Thing is, she designed that outfit from scraps, she knew it'd work, she knew it'd sell. Why? Because her creativity has no ceiling. She could be a top selling, world renown fashion designer. No one will ever know that though, because her first john that night stole her and sold her in to the black market.

These are all to real realities of our world.

What if these kids had a place to go, what if they had a place here that was willing to teach them what they needed to know, to show them how to get their education, what if there was a place that provided more than a temporary roof...what if there was a place where they found hope because someone believed in them.

What if someone, just for a wrinkle in time, invested in their potential?

What if they didn't get lost, and left behind? What if no other youth fell through the cracks?

What if there wasn't any teens left to turn into our homeless adults?

What would our city look like then?

PS, I want this place to do it in:

http://www.remax.ca/on/brantford-real-estate/na-42-oxbow-road-brft_b51278-lst/