Ooh Child, things are gonna get easier.

I wrote this October 10th, 2013. My blog went nuts and changed it.

If you could go back to your teenage years, and give yourself some advice, would you? I know I would... and here's something along the lines of what I'd say to my 15 ish year old self...


Hey little one,

I know you hardly love when people call you that, but you should. Despite the lack of it, your size is something that will bring light to someone else's life: especially this little girl named Aislin, you haven't met her yet but she gets teased for being little, you'll help her see there's strength in it. Just like the day you meet Kristina Carrol and you realize that just because you're small, doesn't mean you're powerless. Don't be afraid of the extra length in your jeans, but get them hemmed my dear, there's no need to look as though you're always playing dress up. While we're on the topic of looks, embrace your curls - the sooner you do, the sooner you'll appreciate the man that gave you them, I know you miss him, and that's okay. Grandpa Curly was a great man, and he loved you very much - Gram wasn't lying when she said you were his favourite. And those curls, when you get to university, and yes - you get there, those curls will also make getting ready about 10 times faster so learn how to manage them now, it'll save you money on products and a ton of time - and guess what?..one day you'll find someone with hair just like yours, but that is a story for later.

When you make the decision to move out of your father's, that guilt you feel, don't. I know you don't want to leave your little brother behind, but just remember, part of being a hero is knowing when you don't need to be one anymore - he's gonna be just fine, you raised him right. No, you're not being selfish, it's about time you do something for yourself. Plus, it makes for a very interesting 4 years. You'll sleep on more couches than beds, but you'll learn a lot along the way.
For example, when you're staying with the Bury's, that moment Gail looks you in the face and says "Don't you rob me of the opportunity to bless you." what you feel in that moment, it's love, just hug her back. She's a wise woman and cares a lot about you. That one line, it's gonna stick with you for years to come, and in those moments you don't think you deserve the love that nice people are pouring out, remember that giving love feels almost as good as getting it. And by the way, I realize you wont know how to do it, but thank the Ellis family, you stay with them for a long time, they are the first steps in a long route of freedom...and plus, they're the ones that take you to Camp Crossroads for the first time - thank them for that especially, you meet some great friends there.

I know sometimes you feel like you're life is going nowhere, and that it's headed there fast, but hear me when I tell you that by the time your twentieth birthday rolls around, your life will be on the best path possible. Even though you've been made to feel that you are unworthy of it your whole life, you will finally begin to learn what love is..and I'll let you in on a little secret, not a single one of those boys will be the one to teach you. Not to ruin the whole surprise, but it'll be your parents, yes my darling, you get those and man oh man, they're crazy, but they'll love you more than your little heart will be able to process. But when you move in with them, dive in head first, hold nothing back, because it'll save the first 4 months wasted on fighting their love. On the note of wasting time, let dad hug you, relax, he's not going to hurt you and he's never let anyone else hurt you again either. And that's another thing, there are so, so, SO many people out there that love you already, stop fighting it. I know you're scared, but that fear, it's not of God and you know it. And yes, I realize that's easier said than done..but when you make the choice to let love in, it gets easier.

There's so much I want to tell you, and so many things I want to save you from, but if I don't let you go through it, you wont learn the lessons waiting for you in each hardship. But watch that pride, your stubbornness will often leave you learning things a much harder way than necessary.
Stop blaming yourself, it really wasn't your fault, and no, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, I can see it in your eyes. Those rockabye baby browns will always give you away. Oh and while I'm at it, put those damn blades away child, Lesley and everyone else that finds out later, they're right; those little pieces of metal are not going to do you any good, no matter what the lies tell you, not a single one of those scars is going to make anything better. Listen, the longer you hold on to them, the harder it is to let them go, and you are so much better than that.

But something I need to tell you, and this one is going to hit that soft spot you keep hidden...but that song you sang yourself to sleep with as a kid, let yourself hold it as dear to your heart as you want to, because even though no one ever sang it to you like you wished for: you do in fact become somebody's Sunshine. And I understand it terrifies you that one day you might not be her only sunshine, but please don't suffer through weeks of super anxiety, only to be calmed when you hear from one of her best friends that she can see how you've taken their grey skies away to truly believe how much they love you (yes silly, I'm referring back to those parents you get). As much as the song says, don't take my sunshine away, it's okay that you try to run away that one time, just call Krissy a few minutes sooner, she'll help you realize that it's okay that it took you running away to realize you'll always have a home to come back to.

Another thing I will save you from is that night you drive back from Vaughn after visiting with Kathryn and the girls, write down the directions before you leave, and most of all take it easy, the roads are slippery and that van in front of you is going to stop much sooner than you're ready for it too. Don't worry though, the damage will get paid for under the table, it's not on your driving record.
Oh yah! and that girl with the long black hair that you meet in media studies, the one you make that ridiculous balloon video with, in about a years time, she becomes your best friend. You'll spend more time together than is likely good for either of you, but she's going to be the one to put up with all your irrational freak outs and all of your weird thoughts. Don't worry though, she's just as strange and sarcastic as you are. Just don't forget to thank her every now and then. She really is incredible, don't be afraid to remind her - after all, she is your best friend.

I guess if I can leave you with anything, it would be to hug people back, I know you really love it - even from behind all those walls, and I know you grew up fast and you grew up hard but it's okay to just be a kid sometimes too - you've earned it. Please, please believe me when I tell you that your life really becomes something beautiful, I know it's hard to believe, but trust me on this one. Better yet, trust God, He's got a really great plan, run to Him, not away - if you do, every time you fall, the landing will be softer. I know it's hard, but it is so worth it, you're so worth it.

With love from the future,
20 year old you.

PS, Go give Mindy a hug, it's the least you can do: she's going to be the one that answers all those late night phone calls for the next couple years. She's even the one who moves you into your dorm in your first year of university, and she's going to be like a big sister to you your whole life long, thank God for her - no seriously, thank Him for her. She'll be one of the main people who gets you to at least 19, then your parents kind of take over. But that's okay, don't worry, she's still there.

Time.

I can't concentrate on anything currently except the following things that are running through my mind so if I have any hopes of being even the slightest bit productive today I'd better get writing:

Lately I've really been thinking about how amazing life, just the mere essence of being alive, really is.
Life isn't always easy, in fact, it rarely is easy. But from my experience, and maybe I'm just young and naive, it is always worth it.

I'm learning to "take chances, make mistakes, and get messy", I'd like to think Miss Frizzle would be proud. I've never been someone who could easily be found taking risks. Risks scare the hell out of me and I don't like them. I thrive on knowing all possible outcomes, I like knowing point C, I'll figure out points A and B as we go, but I need to know what's going to happen in the end.

However, I don't know if anyone else has noticed this or not, but apparently that's not how life actually works. The unknown exists, camouflaged by of anticipation of the future and what we think we want to happen. The unknown is scary. really scary.

As a Christian, I often find myself allowing this fear to overcast the promise that my life is already planned out and is part of this super cool master plan. Each one of my steps is numbered and ordered. What do I have to worry about?
All God parts aside, the tricky part that I forget about all the time is how easily and quickly the future becomes the present and then becomes the past way too quickly...and if we're so wrapped up in the next day, the next event, when our next day off is, we're going to miss it. We're going to miss growing up, and growing old. We're going to miss the beauty of a sunrise when we're on our way to work because we're already too wrapped up in what's happening in the meeting after lunch. We're going to miss the beauty of the simple things like our first sip of a really good cup of tea. We're going to miss the kids around us turning into real human beings, developing opinions, thoughts, likes and dislikes of their own.
The time is going to pass whether we're ready for it or not. What are we doing to intentionally make the most of it?

I always seem to find myself planning, filling the hours of my day with countless tasks, meetings, shifts, and events. Looking at what is coming up, making sure I'm ready for it, instead of embracing, enduring, absorbing, and learning from what's going on then and there. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to throw preparation to the wind and fly by the seat of your pants hoping you'll make the cut with your obligations.

I think all I'm trying to say is to take a deep breath, look around and take it all in.

Our lives are busy, crazy, chaotic, and full. But they're breathtaking, beautiful, and miraculous.

If I could challenge you with anything today and for days to come, it would be to look for the good in every day, learn from the bad, and breathe. Sometimes the mere thought of breathing, it's just so cool to me that we are even capable of doing that, without thinking, without trying, we just do it.