Ooh Child, things are gonna get easier.

I wrote this October 10th, 2013. My blog went nuts and changed it.

If you could go back to your teenage years, and give yourself some advice, would you? I know I would... and here's something along the lines of what I'd say to my 15 ish year old self...


Hey little one,

I know you hardly love when people call you that, but you should. Despite the lack of it, your size is something that will bring light to someone else's life: especially this little girl named Aislin, you haven't met her yet but she gets teased for being little, you'll help her see there's strength in it. Just like the day you meet Kristina Carrol and you realize that just because you're small, doesn't mean you're powerless. Don't be afraid of the extra length in your jeans, but get them hemmed my dear, there's no need to look as though you're always playing dress up. While we're on the topic of looks, embrace your curls - the sooner you do, the sooner you'll appreciate the man that gave you them, I know you miss him, and that's okay. Grandpa Curly was a great man, and he loved you very much - Gram wasn't lying when she said you were his favourite. And those curls, when you get to university, and yes - you get there, those curls will also make getting ready about 10 times faster so learn how to manage them now, it'll save you money on products and a ton of time - and guess what?..one day you'll find someone with hair just like yours, but that is a story for later.

When you make the decision to move out of your father's, that guilt you feel, don't. I know you don't want to leave your little brother behind, but just remember, part of being a hero is knowing when you don't need to be one anymore - he's gonna be just fine, you raised him right. No, you're not being selfish, it's about time you do something for yourself. Plus, it makes for a very interesting 4 years. You'll sleep on more couches than beds, but you'll learn a lot along the way.
For example, when you're staying with the Bury's, that moment Gail looks you in the face and says "Don't you rob me of the opportunity to bless you." what you feel in that moment, it's love, just hug her back. She's a wise woman and cares a lot about you. That one line, it's gonna stick with you for years to come, and in those moments you don't think you deserve the love that nice people are pouring out, remember that giving love feels almost as good as getting it. And by the way, I realize you wont know how to do it, but thank the Ellis family, you stay with them for a long time, they are the first steps in a long route of freedom...and plus, they're the ones that take you to Camp Crossroads for the first time - thank them for that especially, you meet some great friends there.

I know sometimes you feel like you're life is going nowhere, and that it's headed there fast, but hear me when I tell you that by the time your twentieth birthday rolls around, your life will be on the best path possible. Even though you've been made to feel that you are unworthy of it your whole life, you will finally begin to learn what love is..and I'll let you in on a little secret, not a single one of those boys will be the one to teach you. Not to ruin the whole surprise, but it'll be your parents, yes my darling, you get those and man oh man, they're crazy, but they'll love you more than your little heart will be able to process. But when you move in with them, dive in head first, hold nothing back, because it'll save the first 4 months wasted on fighting their love. On the note of wasting time, let dad hug you, relax, he's not going to hurt you and he's never let anyone else hurt you again either. And that's another thing, there are so, so, SO many people out there that love you already, stop fighting it. I know you're scared, but that fear, it's not of God and you know it. And yes, I realize that's easier said than done..but when you make the choice to let love in, it gets easier.

There's so much I want to tell you, and so many things I want to save you from, but if I don't let you go through it, you wont learn the lessons waiting for you in each hardship. But watch that pride, your stubbornness will often leave you learning things a much harder way than necessary.
Stop blaming yourself, it really wasn't your fault, and no, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, I can see it in your eyes. Those rockabye baby browns will always give you away. Oh and while I'm at it, put those damn blades away child, Lesley and everyone else that finds out later, they're right; those little pieces of metal are not going to do you any good, no matter what the lies tell you, not a single one of those scars is going to make anything better. Listen, the longer you hold on to them, the harder it is to let them go, and you are so much better than that.

But something I need to tell you, and this one is going to hit that soft spot you keep hidden...but that song you sang yourself to sleep with as a kid, let yourself hold it as dear to your heart as you want to, because even though no one ever sang it to you like you wished for: you do in fact become somebody's Sunshine. And I understand it terrifies you that one day you might not be her only sunshine, but please don't suffer through weeks of super anxiety, only to be calmed when you hear from one of her best friends that she can see how you've taken their grey skies away to truly believe how much they love you (yes silly, I'm referring back to those parents you get). As much as the song says, don't take my sunshine away, it's okay that you try to run away that one time, just call Krissy a few minutes sooner, she'll help you realize that it's okay that it took you running away to realize you'll always have a home to come back to.

Another thing I will save you from is that night you drive back from Vaughn after visiting with Kathryn and the girls, write down the directions before you leave, and most of all take it easy, the roads are slippery and that van in front of you is going to stop much sooner than you're ready for it too. Don't worry though, the damage will get paid for under the table, it's not on your driving record.
Oh yah! and that girl with the long black hair that you meet in media studies, the one you make that ridiculous balloon video with, in about a years time, she becomes your best friend. You'll spend more time together than is likely good for either of you, but she's going to be the one to put up with all your irrational freak outs and all of your weird thoughts. Don't worry though, she's just as strange and sarcastic as you are. Just don't forget to thank her every now and then. She really is incredible, don't be afraid to remind her - after all, she is your best friend.

I guess if I can leave you with anything, it would be to hug people back, I know you really love it - even from behind all those walls, and I know you grew up fast and you grew up hard but it's okay to just be a kid sometimes too - you've earned it. Please, please believe me when I tell you that your life really becomes something beautiful, I know it's hard to believe, but trust me on this one. Better yet, trust God, He's got a really great plan, run to Him, not away - if you do, every time you fall, the landing will be softer. I know it's hard, but it is so worth it, you're so worth it.

With love from the future,
20 year old you.

PS, Go give Mindy a hug, it's the least you can do: she's going to be the one that answers all those late night phone calls for the next couple years. She's even the one who moves you into your dorm in your first year of university, and she's going to be like a big sister to you your whole life long, thank God for her - no seriously, thank Him for her. She'll be one of the main people who gets you to at least 19, then your parents kind of take over. But that's okay, don't worry, she's still there.

Time.

I can't concentrate on anything currently except the following things that are running through my mind so if I have any hopes of being even the slightest bit productive today I'd better get writing:

Lately I've really been thinking about how amazing life, just the mere essence of being alive, really is.
Life isn't always easy, in fact, it rarely is easy. But from my experience, and maybe I'm just young and naive, it is always worth it.

I'm learning to "take chances, make mistakes, and get messy", I'd like to think Miss Frizzle would be proud. I've never been someone who could easily be found taking risks. Risks scare the hell out of me and I don't like them. I thrive on knowing all possible outcomes, I like knowing point C, I'll figure out points A and B as we go, but I need to know what's going to happen in the end.

However, I don't know if anyone else has noticed this or not, but apparently that's not how life actually works. The unknown exists, camouflaged by of anticipation of the future and what we think we want to happen. The unknown is scary. really scary.

As a Christian, I often find myself allowing this fear to overcast the promise that my life is already planned out and is part of this super cool master plan. Each one of my steps is numbered and ordered. What do I have to worry about?
All God parts aside, the tricky part that I forget about all the time is how easily and quickly the future becomes the present and then becomes the past way too quickly...and if we're so wrapped up in the next day, the next event, when our next day off is, we're going to miss it. We're going to miss growing up, and growing old. We're going to miss the beauty of a sunrise when we're on our way to work because we're already too wrapped up in what's happening in the meeting after lunch. We're going to miss the beauty of the simple things like our first sip of a really good cup of tea. We're going to miss the kids around us turning into real human beings, developing opinions, thoughts, likes and dislikes of their own.
The time is going to pass whether we're ready for it or not. What are we doing to intentionally make the most of it?

I always seem to find myself planning, filling the hours of my day with countless tasks, meetings, shifts, and events. Looking at what is coming up, making sure I'm ready for it, instead of embracing, enduring, absorbing, and learning from what's going on then and there. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to throw preparation to the wind and fly by the seat of your pants hoping you'll make the cut with your obligations.

I think all I'm trying to say is to take a deep breath, look around and take it all in.

Our lives are busy, crazy, chaotic, and full. But they're breathtaking, beautiful, and miraculous.

If I could challenge you with anything today and for days to come, it would be to look for the good in every day, learn from the bad, and breathe. Sometimes the mere thought of breathing, it's just so cool to me that we are even capable of doing that, without thinking, without trying, we just do it.

Be brave, Little One.

I’ll warn you, the “J-count” is way up in this post. 

We’re on our flight home, my fourth ever airplane ride. On this trip I got to experience 4 take offs, and (hopefully) 4 landings; so far, so good.  Flying is so cool, this massive collection of metal, wires, buttons, gears, and people is hoisted into the sky. If you stop to think about it, it’s pretty incredible that that’s even possible.                                        

Being brave really has its perks.

I’d leave that statement there if I had previously been more vocal about the “brave” mandate that has been put on my life. However, since I haven’t been so vocal, allow me to explain:
Many years ago at a youth conference, (Snocamp for my Shenstoners who may be reading this), I was given the verse “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear for the Lord your God goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6. I knew I liked it, and I felt like it was just for me… I didn’t think much of it for a few years, until last summer in fact.
Sarah and I were working as the Freedom House summer students, going about our business up in the FH office one day, and I took this picture:

                                                                                                                           

Everyone loved it. I heard so many times how it was a perfect depiction of who I am and who I was becoming. I didn’t think too much of it, I just thought it looked cool… Within a few days, it was my birthday and Nicki had made a special trip to the office that day with cupcakes, (she’s a pretty cool boss), and somewhere in the conversation that morning, she turned to me, turned back to the letters and said something along the lines of “Oh yah, I meant to tell you: that’s going to be important.”
I can’t remember my exact response, but being my old sassy, know-it-all, insecure self, I’m sure there was an “mhmm” accompanied by an eye roll. Over a year and a half later, I can’t tell you how right she was...(Sorry Nic!). It wasn’t long after that things about being brave began showing up in my life, randomly. Including the release of the single “You Make Me Brave” on Bethel’s website which was oddly released way sooner than the album; I think I made Sarah listen to the song about 100 times a day from that day on.  My friend’s mom even said I was comparable to a modern Joan of Arc, I still think that’s a bit far fetch but it was just another piece of confirmation I needed to know that the call on my life was to be brave.

Now, that would be cool and all, if I wasn’t so afraid of … well, everything. I’ve never been the girl to take risks, try new things, or intentionally ruffle the world’s feathers. That’s changing more quickly than I’d care to admit as I keep learning more and more about who I am and who I’ve been created to be.

All my life I’ve joked that I wanted to change the world, it wasn’t until recently that I realized that that was even possible. The reality is though, that that is the reality. I can, I am, and I will change the world. I don’t think I’m going to become an internationally known leader, or distinguished humanitarian, or go down as a legendary speaker. I think my claim to fame, if you will, will be much more of a ripple effect: one small act causing a change in someone else’s life.
Isn’t that how large vessels are moved anyways? one degree at a time?

I think, and I’m hoping that my ripple effect will be caused by the kids and youth, I work with in the future. Or maybe even the ones I’ve already worked with.

I made a quick mention to wanting to open a youth home in my last post. I need you all reading this to know that that has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. I want to create a place that exists to teach and illustrate a healthy lifestyle for youth who may not be learning key life skills at home, well, more so the lack there of a home.
My trip to the Dream Center this past week showed me that I’m not the only one who out here in this world that believes that’s possible. The home for emancipated youth here operates under many of the same core values I would, with the same goals and objectives in place to propel the youth on to the best plan for success possible.

I believe so much in kids and youth, and the infinite potential they have inside them, just waiting to be cultivated and encouraged.  As sad as it is to say, I firmly believe that society has killed our ability as humans to dream. To seek out, engage, and pursue our passions. We’ve been made to think that our crazy dreams are too crazy to ever been reached, that dreams can’t be goals and that they’re just a distant idea existing on the back burner in a fairy-tale like recess of our minds. 

Quite frankly, I’ve had enough of people telling others, kids especially, that their dreams are too big and consequently stupid and unattainable causing them to give up before they’ve even had a chance to try. I am so thankful for the people in my life who have always encouraged me to follow my passions!

Since the day it came out I’ve been completely infatuated with Steffany Gretzinger’s album “The Undoing”, a line in one of the songs says “I learned that love don’t hold its tongue and passion doesn’t bow to what they think…sometimes it’s painful to be brave, to look fear in the face…” She’s so right.

My trip to LA was by far one of the best choices I’ve ever made. Hear and obey, right? No wonder our lives go so much better when we listen to God and follow the plan He’s already got. I don’t know when it’s going to happen, or even if it’ll be me to do it, but I know that the youth population of Brantford will subsequently be impacted, eventually, by what I learned on this trip.

I want a place to exist in Brantford for kids, especially those who have been phased out, forgotten about, left behind, or who even have aged-out of the foster care system to have a place they can go, be sent to, or to find, that will embrace who they are and help them become the healthy, responsible, passion-pursuing adults they were meant to be. I want the cycle of kids who have been forgotten about and become our homeless, drug-addicted, or impoverished adults to finally come to an end. I want to tackle the problem at the roots before it has a chance to even consider flourishing. I want to change the world, one kid at a time.

So that’s my dream, what’s yours?

#FHDCLAmissions

Tuesday
LA, L-L-A. 

I believe if you were to continue the song it would go “what the hell am I doing drinking in LA at 26”, however, I’m fairly certain for the day and a half that I’ve been here so far it would go “what the hell am I doing dreaming in LA at 21”. This morning I was fortunate enough to get to check out the Dream Center’s home for emancipated youth, it’s not fully running but it is well on its way. They have been open since August and have 9 of the possible 80 youth they’re fitted to house.

Before I boarded the plane yesterday morning, I’ll admit I wasn’t 100% sure why I was coming here. I knew I wanted to see what I could learn about the emancipated youth program to see how I could apply their strategies to Brantford one day. Very quickly I learned that this just a small piece of why I was here. I got to meet two of the youth already staying at the home, hear who they were, who they are and who they want to be.
Hearing their stories further confirmed for me just how much I want to enhance the programs, and create whatever I need to do to help youth. If you’ve ever heard anyone’s story who struggles with addictions, poverty, or even abuse, I’ll bet you’ve heard how it started with them between the ages of 12 and 18. Maybe they told you it started with a parent, and consequently they picked up the habit. I’d put money on that being the case 85% of the time, I have legitimate statistics but don’t have the time to pull them up and incorporate them in this post…as you can as imagine it’s been busy around here!
I want to help facilitate breaking those cycles, stopping the problem at the roots instead of worrying about dealing with the problem once they’re adults with children of their own.
Of that 85%, a vast majority of the individuals are those who came from broken homes and the foster care system. I’d be alright if I got to spend the rest of my life teaching those kids how to become responsible adults, because really, when you think about many, not all, but many, of the kids that are “aging-out” of the foster care are handed their stuff and sent on their way. Not cool. Most of the never having learned any form of responsibility to begin with... There's so much I could say but my internet time is mucho limited.

OH!  Did I mention the home for emancipated youth is called Freedom House? ...Coincidence, I think not!

PS we worked with the food trucks this afternoon, met some awesome people. Such a great time!!!
I wish I had time to tell you in the detail I wish I could! Gaaaahh!

Wednesday

Our morning was spent working Project Prevention, the foster care intervention program here at the Dream Center. We delivered a large crate, and a couple bags of groceries to 4 local families, of whom, without this food would be at risk of losing the children in their homes.  It was a great, and humbling experience. Being here however has made me wish I had seriously invested in learning spanish. The language barrier is a lot more real than I had anticipated.
Our sunny California afternoon passed on Venice Beach, half our team handed out hot dogs, and the other half walked down the boulevard to spread the word of the food down the way. The homeless population here is unreal...it's an incredibly humbling experience to serve them.

We spent our touristy time tonight on Rodeo Dr, I lost one of my favourite sweaters and then ran around like a crazy person trying to find it.. I've never prayer about finding a piece of clothing before, but I did last night -- but I got it back. And that's freaking sweet.

Thursday
Soooo I'm a little sleepy today. but adrenaline and caffeine are my friends..
This morning the women worked in the clothing giveaway "His hands extended", it's was really cool. We helped a ton of families get clothes for themselves and their children. I made friends with a few little spanish kids along the way while their moms shopped.
This afternoon we went down to Skid Row....wow. 10 straight blocks of homelessness.
I can't put in into the right words in the time I have tonight...


...
We're wrapping up, but for now, I'll leave you with this:
My eyes have been opened, dreams have been become plans, and relationships have been built.
I have been sooooo fortunate to work alongside an unbelievable team this week.
Can't wait to see whats in store for the rest of this week!!
AND
I can't wait to tell you all so, so, so much more.

I dropped out of school, quit my job, and here's what's next...

Over the past 6 months, my life has seen a massive reroute.

Think about when you're driving somewhere you've never been before, but you feel like you have an idea of how to get there? And so you ignore the GPS thinking you know better, only to get more lost, feel defeated and finally submit to following your GPS that, though annoying, was leading you the right way all along?

That's kind of what my life looks like right now. 

It's a season of rerouting and only making turns that come with warning 200 meters before hand. It's trusting there's a master plan for my life, and listening to that feeling in my gut, for those of us at Freedom House, we call that hear and obey. I've been hearing for a while, with very little obeying, hoping that my mental map would be better than the pre-programmed GPS my life came with. 

Here's a timeline for all of you who may not be up to date, it's not refined, and it's not conclusive, it's not even all that pretty, there are some parts of it that if I could go back, I'd seek the same outcome but handle them a little differently along the way. But shame gets no one anywhere so I wont waste my time on that.
Oh and don't worry, a lot has happened very quickly and I haven't been very vocal. I've felt like I need answers to the "well, that's all fine and dandy, but what's next?" and so, by the end of this, you'll know just about as much as I do:

March - slowly stopped attending my classes at Brock, the weather didn't help. I had zero motivation, zero intention, and even less drive. In hindsight, I can see that it was mass discouragement, but I guess subconsciously I knew that those classes weren't what I should've been doing anyways. My program wasn't for me. It wasn't the road I was supposed to be on. 

April - The school year ended, and I had succeeded in failing every one of my classes. Apparently that's what happens when you don't go...who knew? In the midst of not going, seeing no direction for my life, I managed to fall into a dark cloud. I didn't get out of bed, unless I had to go to work,  and even then, I called in often. 

May - It hit me that there was nothing else I could do. I was a mess, I was making very few choices, and most of those were bad ones. I had hit the bottom. The only way was up. 

After much thought, prayer, and talking with my parents. I decided to pursue social work. The career path I should've been following all along. Reroute.

June - I decided to, in nothing but pure faith, apply to work for Freedom House again, remembering last summer how I didn't feel like it was to be my only summer on staff. It wouldn't be such a huge leap of faith if it had been for the funding that FH receives is only for students returning to full time studies. Of which, at the point, was super up in the air for me. But I had do my part, and I believed it was where, for the one of the few times in my life, where I was supposed to be going. 

July - Worked full time for Freedom House as the Community Events Coordinator, applied to Starbucks, increasingly worked less and less at Metro. Turn right.

August - Got hired by Starbucks, still working full time for Freedom House, should've heard back about my college application by this point... still nothing. Keep traveling.

September - Finished working at Freedom House, working full time for Starbucks (and love love loving it), started volunteering for the city's Community Events Coordinator as her assistant (love love love that as well), applied to a part-time Program Instructor position with the city, was accepted by Mohawk... 

Today marks the start of October, I have an interview for the city position I applied for, I have until Friday at midnight to confirm or defer my offer from Mohawk, I leave for LA in 18 days, and I couldn't be more excited! (the details about that one are to follow)

If I were to say I knew what was next, I'd be lying, but I know there's a plan for my life. I can confidently say that I know I'm on the right road now, heading the right direction. I understand that doesn't mean there wont be road blocks, stop signs, some approaching with caution, and what's a road without a few speed bumps...but I know I have a killer destiny, and I can't wait to keep finding out what it is.

 In 200 meters turn left... 

I love women.

Given the title of this post, you potentially thought I was going to tell you I am a lesbian or something, that is very far from the case. I do however love women and the forgotten and side-cast power they possess and here's why:

For the last two hundred years women have been undermined, underestimated, abused, misunderstood, and misused. We still have a long way to go around the world, but here, in my life, I couldn't be more proud of the outstanding, amazing, women who house more power than the electricity required to light Times Square, that I have had the absolute pleasure of knowing, no matter how briefly it may have been for...and the incredible little girls drenched in potential that I've been fortunate enough to get to speak into their lives as well. 

Even as I write this I am surrounded by strong women of whom all have very different, unique, and specific gifts, talents, and insights that on my own I couldn't dream of owning. But that's what's so cool, I don't need to be as bold as Amanda, I don't need to be as wise as Wanda, I don't need to sound as beautiful as Alisha, I don't need to know everything there is to know about history like Meghan, I don't need to be well-read like Kate, Faith, or Nadine... I don't know if you've gotten the point yet but what I'm saying is I just need to be me all the messy, artsy, little, loud, gentle, clumsy, parts of me, that's all I need to be. 

Now, don't get me wrong, there are days that I wish my hair would look as great as Trina's, or that I'd be as funny as Sara H., or have a heart as big as my aunt Deb's, or that I had the energy that Nicki mysteriously finds. But those aren't for me to muster, they're not qualities for me to contribute to this world. 

In this, I've definitely come to know women that I share qualities with and I can only hope that I can walk in those qualities with a percentage of the confidence they do. The bravery of Sara, Anne's creativity and taste in music, the might of Krissy, the organization of my mom, the detail Sarah Y. puts into everything she does, the loyalty of Erin, the skill of Jenean, the fire that Dani has.. I could go on for hours..  I haven't even told you about Mindy, Lynda, Becci, Michele, Jen P, Jen M, or Jen K. I haven't mentioned Sarah J, Penny, Sarah B, Alanna, Linda, Lindsy, Kimmy, or Gail. I have a list a mile long.

Regardless of the names I type out here or the ones that I don't. If you've touched my life, or had an impact, I've tried my best to make sure you know. 

As a reader, know that I look up to all of these women: my mentors, my family, my peers, and even the girls I get the privilege of mentoring myself, they teach me so much all the time. Jude teaches me about compassion, Brianna about being tough and silly, Aislin about being kind, Mya about walking to the beat of my own drum, and Madi teaches me that it's okay to be the quiet and a little bonkers - that you can be both of those things and that's okay. I look up to these women because they are beautiful, confident, and strong. 

Growing up, I thought I was dumb and a total freak and that there's no way I'd be able to graduate high school, forget about going to university or college. I thought there was nothing worth loving about me, especially because I didn't have one unique, noticeable, marketable skill. I was mediocre at best in a lot of things -- why would anyone want me? Well my friends, I let comparison be the thief of so, so much in my life.  So I beg of you, ladies, go stand in front of the mirror and stand there until you can list qualities that you love about yourself: both externally and internally. Do it.

Don't leave that mirror until you can say "I'm more than okay, I am good. I am talented. I am beautiful. I am important. And I can do this." 

I have so much more I'd say if I could, but I've run out of time. 

Women, you are power houses. Don't doubt yourselves. You are enough.

And when you forget that, you can come to me for a reminder.

To all of you who have been a part of my life at one point or another for any length of time, thank you.

 

How do you measure a year?

To those of you who are reading this, but aren't my parents... Tonight marks a year since my first night at home, a year ago tonight, I received this message:

And my life hasn't been the same ever since.



To my parents,

A year ago tonight, you decided that you would open your home to a girl of whom neither of you really knew all that well. You took a chance, a chance that no one would've guessed could have ever turned out how it has. At the time, you didn't know I was sitting on the side of the road crying when your short message came through the cell phone that had been clenched between my tear soaked, make up covered fingers. Feeling like I had no where left to go and no one to turn to, I sat there alone in my car. You were there, out of no where, you appeared.
That night, for what seemed like forever, I locked myself in my car, crying, fighting myself...and Dave, who among a few other had been relentlessly messaging me to not let go, not to give up, that there was more worth living for. Oh boy were they right! I never would've guessed on this night, one year ago, that my life would be anything like it is now; I never would've guessed that I would have the incredible parents I have sitting before at the dinner table tonight. Parents who, despite all their imperfections, are the perfect match for me. You both have been there to challenge me and encourage me, hold me tight and cry with me, not mention all the times we've laughed so hard we couldn't breathe, and the things we've had to learn together. Above all however, you have both been there, every step of the way, loving me more than I ever could've dreamed possible, no matter what.

Mom,

You are a power house of protection and love. I can't believe how lucky I was to be given you as my mom. You have earned the title of mom, over and over again. All the times you've been there, and when you haven't been able to, your advice and voice have been a quiet reminder in the back of my mind.
I know that sometimes you feel like you're doing everything wrong and that sometimes when I tell you how wonderful of a mother truly you are, you think that I'm just saying it to be nice, but please, just for tonight even, look in the mirror with my eyes for a minute.
Because the woman I see, she's a fighter. But she'd never fight out of anything less than the fiercest of loves she has roaring inside for her family. She's a giver. She gives her time, her love, her many talents, and gives of herself to make sure that I'm taken care of, and my dad is too. The woman I see, she's wise, truly wise - she's done all she can to turn every mistake she's ever made into a lesson, because no matter how much those mistake hurt her to make, I know she would relive them a hundred times before she let me make the same ones. But she somehow, she knows I'll still make a million different mistakes of my own, and she's always waiting with open arms and handfuls of grace. I am so thankful for that.. More than anything though, I'd hope you could see that the woman I see when I look at you, she's a hero. She may not have a cape, probably because it wouldn't match her outfit, but she doesn't really need one either - she doesn't fly like the rest of them anyways, because the woman I see, she listens to her heart and every step she takes towards a closed door is made with love. That's her super power: unconditional love. Unconditional love that breaks through every wall with nothing more than a hug that doesn't let go too early and maybe a kiss on the forehead, for those times when words just aren't enough.
I wont know for certain for a while yet, but I bet that Grandma is really, really proud of you. You have her heart. I'm sure of it.  And she'd back me up on all that cheese I just spilled everywhere.
I love you so much Mom, even though I'm your Sunshine, I just hope that I make you as happy as you make me when my skies are grey.


Dad,

You are unbelievable, no seriously, some days I really just don't believe how truly amazing you are. I don't know how I was blessed with such a patient, selfless man to be my dad. But I wouldn't trade you for anyone, even if you do fart a lot. You really are the best dad in the universe, even if you never got a book of reasons why. You set such a beautiful example of what it means to work hard and how it pays off. With everyday that passes, I become more and more proud to be your daughter.
 You've shown me that true love isn't something that exists in fairy tales, but that it's something that exists when you give wholly of yourself for the happiness and safety of others. Mom and I are the luckiest girls on the planet, we never have to worry, we can always count on you.
Speaking of you and mom, I wanted to take a second to thank you: because of you, I know how a man should properly love his wife. I know how I should be treated and that settling will never be an option. And one day, when my knight in shining armor comes to whisk me away, I'll be able to go confidently into that new adventure because you've taught me that it is a man's character more so than the shimmer of his armor or the glimmer of his eye that counts. You've shown me how I deserve to be loved, not only by the example of how you love my mom, but because you loved me first before any other man has had the chance. Because of that, you know me and despite all my crazy, you love all my imperfections for no other reason than that I am your daughter. No matter how strong that knight may be, you were there first, at my weakest, in the middle of the night, you were the first to step up to slay the dragons, no matter how big they are - you always keep me safe.
I love you to the moon and back.


Well parents, I realize this is full of cheese and feelings but if nothing else please understand this:
A year ago, if anyone would've told me that I would have two people who love me as much as you do, and that I would have two incredible people to love as much as I do you both, I can't tell you I'd believe them. But I know that as my parents, you see all that am I, all that I can be, and all that I never will... and despite all of it, I know you love me un-con-dit-tion-nally, and for that, I am so thankful.

Forever and always, and no matter what,
Your daughter.

 

Camp, not just for the kids.

This year marks year five for me.
Year five as a volunteer for March Break Camp, that is.

For those of you who don't know, March Break Camp is a camp run here in Brantford over the course of march break - appropriately named, right? Starting on the 10th of March this year, we will be celebrating reaching a decade! So for the last 9 years, cumulatively over 21 churches have come together to host a day camp for Brantford's at risk child population - always looking for another way to bless family after family. 

We play games.
We sing songs.
We dance.
We learn. 
We laugh, lots. 
We have fun.

At MBC, we teach kids 5 simple lessons: who God is, that they're created,  forgiven, priceless, and loved. Now, as a camp counselor, workshop leader, workshop helper, photographer, wide game leader, one would think that those would be simple lessons for you to understand as well.. however, that bold one there on the end wasn't for me. 

That simple lesson, more specifically, that I was lovable, was one of the hardest I myself have ever had to learn. I would conveniently be busy for the first 3 years of my camp life, and would 'miss' the lesson that we would teach these kids that they, in all their imperfection, are perfectly lovable. 
But, you see the thing is, working in a camp, where all you get to do for 5 days is show love to kids who may not otherwise know what that word is even supposed to mean, it makes you think about what it means to you. 

For what seemed like eternity, I would try to expel the words from my lips but they gagged me like a rope tied far too tightly by a well-seasoned boy scout leader. I would open my mouth, time after time, trying to prove that I could speak those three simple words. "I" rolled off my tongue like it would as a precursor to any other statement; I like ice cream but I prefer mint chocolate chip. The "am" would sometimes come out almost just a smoothly, however the threat of the power from the word that came next impeded it like a gun to a hostage's escape. The next and final word unlike the first would stay hidden in the depths of my vocabulary unless it was being applied to those very kids I was working with, and puppies, and cheesecake, and just about everyone and everything else on earth but me. 
To save some time from this story, know that now, I can say it. If you want to know what happened in the in between, ask me some other time - I'd love to explain.

The point of this all is to tell you that MBC, it's not just another camp. It's not just about being a place kids get to be kids and experience a bunch of things that they otherwise wouldn't get to: It's not just about a movie. Or a trip to Moose Winooski's. It's not even about the stuff they learn in the workshops. Or the fun songs we get to sing and dance to.
It's about love. And it's about changing lives... and not just the campers', it'll change yours too if you let it.

Trust me, I know.
-Indigo.

YOLO; it's going to be okay.

For months now I have been writing and erasing, typing and deleting, word after word...after word. I have been saving drafts that consist of nothing more than an idea and three sentences that provided the illusion that I was about to rant some sort of delirious wisdom. Nothing however, has been finished.
Who would've thought that in a world filled with not only tireless news feeds but a corresponding real life outside, that I, Alyssa, the girl who never shuts up, would have had nothing to say.
 Once upon a time I was told I had a way with words; that because I wrote the way I spoke, just a few dozen kilometers slower with a side order of eloquent diction that meant I should do it more.
That 'my unique outlook was refreshing'... Listen I understand that my generation consists of one part washed up leftovers of our parents fallen dreams who spend too much time on the computer, and another two parts made up relentless, unapologetic dreamers who vowed when they were 11 that they would change the world one day and the last part consists of everyone else that really has no idea what they are or where they're going.. That last part is like the overarching definition of the whole, but I digress..

Now, me personally, I like to think that I fit somewhere in the middle of the last two parts.

I decided at some point in the last ten years, somewhere, likely late at night that I wanted my life to make a difference. I looked around me, took a deep breath and realized that the life I wanted to live, the life I wanted to make it to the end of and bear a proud smile as I took my last breath, that that life.. It wasn't the one I was headed for.
Now, I'd like to tell you that at that very moment I realized that I had all the potential in the world and I decided that from then onward I would work my ass off and make every bead of sweat I shed in the process count... But that would be lying. This is where the last part there comes in; not knowing what, or better yet who I am or where I'm headed.

Because I don't know if anyone else has noticed or not, but
I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

I understand that that's not an unfamiliar or uncommon place to be for your average 20ish year old but unfortunately, the commonality in the feeling of floating on lost time as you slide further and further down the slide that when you get off at the bottom, responsibility is there waiting to catch you and carry you away to seek approval for your first mortgage.

Don't get me wrong, oh goodness, no please don't do that. I definitely understand that we as students are in one of the best chapters of our lives, living life with limited responsibility, no one to tell us no or where to go, figuring out who we are and all that jazz, it's truly great fun. It is however a fun that comes with its moments of definite uncertainty and they are the most exciting and terrifying moments that shape us a human beings.


Here's where I'm at:

 1. When I said I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing I meant it.

I have all the hopes and dreams and aspirations you could possibly conjure up in an imagination like mine. My life in the next 5 years is going to change so much, but unbeknownst to me, those changes could mean anything.

2. I know that my parents and God love me.

This may be the easiest thing to take for granted for most, but for me, the love and support that I receive daily is unbelievable. In the moments that I'm having a mental breakdown because I have no idea who I am or who I want to be and what I want to do, my parents are right there ready to do what they do best: love me.

3. I like big sweaters and colourful shoes.

Figuring out who you are or better yet "finding yourself", comes with the challenge of accepting what you like, even if it's a little different. And for me, I'm learning this means that maybe yes, I do in fact like to dress like a bohemian camp counselor rockstar, and that's okay. I like my blue and my orange bike too, and that's also okay because that's me and I'm okay. 

4. This post is nothing like I had intended it to be when I sat down to write it. 

I had full intention of starting this post by telling you all that today in my English lecture I was that girl. I'm wearing my ripped jeans, an old camp shirt, my grey cardigan, colourfully patterned boots, all while sporting my faded blue streaked hair. I raised my hand and I challenged my understanding and the profs interpretation of how God was depicted in a particular sonnet. So there I am proposing the prof and the other hundred students in the room consider God through John Donne's words and my church girl perspective. After lecture finished, I looked down to grab my backpack and remarked the a very clearly printed white cross among the trees on my chest. And I was proud. Alyssa from a year ago would've been mortified.. "oh no! they've figured me out, let the ostracizing begin!" The revelation of pride that came from my limited understanding how God is depicted in the bible in contrast to the sonnet prompted me to think: 

Who even I am?!

But guess what... I have no idea. 

I know that I like apple juice boxes.

I know that my writing is prettier in pencil but smudges because I'm lefthanded.

I know that my blue hair is just as much as part of me as the brown is.

I know that brownies have always been my favourite. 

I know that my mom is crazy and that my dad is caring.

And I know that they love me more than anyone. 

I know that I like snowboarding.

I know that my favourite colour is turquoise.

But that I also like grey and it's my go to base for anything.
And Indigo is a great colour too,
and one of my absolute favourite 'hats' to wear.

I know that the reputation of 'The Kid Whisperer' is a blessing. 

I know that I have no idea what that means for my future. 

I know that I like sitting on the floor.

And that I can't sleep without something over my shoulders.

I know that I find music everywhere, even just the sounds of everyday like and I love that about me.

I know that I like to be obnoxiously polite around rude people.

I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

I know that I was born to be brave and courageous.

and that I have no idea what that's going to mean.

I know that I like eyeliner.

I know that my parents cooking is something I will never measure up to.

I know that my butt is no asleep because I haven't moved since I started writing this.

I know that I have no idea what my life is going to look like tomorrow

much less 2 or 5 years from now. 

I do know that I've decided to grab the bull by the horns and ride this one until God kicks me off and calls it a day for me. 

YOLO may be one of the stupidest saying to come from my generation, but it's not wrong either.
I guess more than anything, I know that I don't know much, but I do know that I'm going to be just fine.