Mirror, mirror.

Remember that time you looked in the mirror and realized you were no longer the person you once were?

Today, that happened to me.

As my day progressed, I guess you could say I was hyper-aware of myself; I noticed little things I was doing that I can promise you I once would not have done…in saying that I can confidently state that the thing I was doing that seemed so new felt equally comfortable, really comfortable, but still new, that 'thing' was that I was being me.

All in, authentically me.

If I thought I could accurately articulate what that looks like in words, I would try but I don’t think I can.
(You'll just have to look for it yourself...)

When I got home tonight, my reflection caught my attention and as I looked myself straight in the face it hit me that the girl starring back at me wasn’t the same girl that would’ve been 3 years ago.
 I saw the brightness in her eyes, I saw the confidence in her posture, I saw the peace she had within herself, I saw the freedom she’d fought for.

I saw her.


I saw me.

I should've graduated university this year, but I didn't.

I graduated high school in 2011, meaning that I would've just completed my final year of university this spring.

At 18, I had a plan that had two paths, two options, and two very different potential outcomes: I was either going to attend an internship at UrbanPromise Toronto, or I was going to attend York University to study French.
Comparable to many 11 year olds waiting to get their letter from Hogwarts, I waited for my acceptance letter to university. While I waited, many of my friends received the letters that came in the big envelopes, you know, the ones that spell out 'Congratulations' right on the front cover? Yes that was what I was waiting for...Eventually, I got envelopes too - they were just much smaller.
Good thing I had Plan B, right?

Well, to my knowledge, Plan B is still out there somewhere...it just wasn't the plan B for me.

Somewhere in the middle of my applications to UrbanPromise, I came to the conclusion that I should go back to high school for my victory lap; a second chance to get better marks and try the whole university thing again. After a tumultuous year of adventure and trial, I made it to the end of June with an acceptance letter and a small package of confetti from Brock University.  I knew very little about the process and even less about what I was getting myself into, but it all worked out and two months later I moved into my dorm and set sail on the beginning of what I thought would be my next four years.

Eight months passed, and I'm not sure I had ever been so miserable. The moment I realized maybe this wasn't for me, I was on the phone with my friend Sara expressing my feelings of inadequacy between sobs. She reassured me I'd be okay, and that I could in fact handle the mess I had made. I made it to the end of first year, unsure if the uni life was what I wanted but based on the friends that helped me move back to Brantford that summer, I knew that no matter what I was anything but alone.

I spent that summer soul-searching and summer studenting for Freedom House; which is essentially the same thing - believe me, at 2am serving burgers, your true self comes out whether you want it to happen or not.

I decided to give university a second try that fall...let me just put it this way for you: if you'd like to know how to blow $9,000 very quickly, I learned how that year!

I fell, and hard. But I'm not any less of a person for it, and I've no less potential as a result.

I think if I could leave you with anything, it would be to remember that plans change - you change. But life goes on, and there's always something better coming up, most of the time you just don't know it.

I'm back in school now, studying social work -- a subject matter I should've been studying from the very start. And maybe would have been if I had just followed my heart. Because quite frankly, as cheesy as that sounds, those things you like have been put inside of you for a reason.

I may not have learned the easy way, but I learned in the end that what we think are the best laid plans aren't always best, and the biggest chances we take may leave us flat on our face. One way or the other though, I hope we're brave enough to try.


I should've graduated university this year, but I didn't -- and that's okay.

An open letter to my mom..

Hey Mom, 

Guess what? It's our third Mother's Day already! We spent the whole day together today and I had a great day; I really hope you did too. Our picnic was fun, I think we should definitely do that again. I know my ideas are a little crazy and that sometimes I'm a lot to handle, and likely even more when I'm hyper or in a mood...but I really enjoy spending time with you - especially when you're feeling silly. I know how rare it is for you to show the world that side of you, but it's one of my favourite things about you.   

I know I've told you this before, and I can pretty well guarantee that this won't be the last either: I would give anything for you to see yourself how I do. So tonight, as another day comes to an end, I'm going to remind you of a few things:

 I don't even expect you to be perfect, no one else should either - not even you. 

You've made mistakes, I've mistakes, and we're going to keep making them. Remember that it's okay. We just have to do our best, forgive, and try again. From what I understand about this life, on average, it's not easy...and we, Momma, our story is anything but ordinary. 

I feel like I can say with absolute confidence that every parent feels like they're doing it all wrong and messing it up. So remember to have grace, and I'll do my best to follow suit. 

You're really a natural; there's a true mothers' heart inside of you whether you can hear it beating in your chest or not.  Take my word for it, I hear every time you hug me.

The sound is beautiful, much like the body that heart calls home. I know sometimes you don't see what I see, it happens. But in those moments, please remember how you've taught me that it's not about what other people think, it's about how comfortable and confident I feel in my own skin. 

Remember that I make messes, in my room, the kitchen, the bathroom, and really everywhere.  I make things messy and I make mistakes.  Please know that I'm sorry, life is tricky and I'm often oblivious.  But above all, know that the times you've taken the time to teach me how to me make it right are lessons I already treasure...even if it tests your patience.  

Thank you for setting such an example of grace, perseverance, and love.  I know you sometimes feel like the time in life we missed out on somehow disqualifies you from being my mom...but Momma, the woman I've been becoming since you called me yours is all because of the mother you are ...and when it comes to time, we have so much time ahead no matter what got left behind..

There are so many things I wish I could say but my yawns are getting in the way...  

Mom, if I can leave you with anything at the end of this day, please always remember that nothing we go through, or put each other through, can break us down or apart.  We are so strong.

And even stronger together.  

Every day that you get up, and choose to love me, when it's good, and especially when it's bad, you earn your stripes..You love me, you fight for me, and you always want what you believe is best for me.  

You see, Mom, you may not have birthed my life, but time after time you've saved it. We've battled through lightest of light and the darkest of dark, and we're still here. And if God ever gave me the chance to do this all again, knowing all I do now...between you and any other mom in the world -- I'd still choose you. Every time.  Forever and always, no matter what.  

I love you and happy Mother's Day, 

Sunshine 

63 113 851.9 seconds.

All day I've been trying to figure out what to write about, maybe more how than what...

You see my friends, two years ago tonight, we started on the biggest adventure possible: becoming a family. 

We didn't mean to, but I think that's what makes it so special: this was God's plan, not ours.  

Our little family isn't perfect.  

Far from in fact.  

But we're us.  

And that's what matters. 

There's been laughter, tears, fights, and fears.  

Lots of all of it.  

The latter three generally went together somehow.  

But when it all comes down to it, and I think back to 730 days ago...knowing I might not be alive, much less wouldn't be anywhere near who I am becoming without the two incredible people on the other end of this couch. They've supported me, believed in me, fought for me, and above all else, loved me. 

We fight and we fall. But our little family. It's strong. Stronger than anything I've ever seen. 

On that fateful night, two years ago, we were doing the exact same thing.  Cookies and all. 

Not saying we're the same, because we're the furtherest thing from but I'd like to think that it's a shred of proof that straight from the beginning, this was right.  

A friend of mine once described love like this 

"...Nothing is easy though and love is no exception.  Love is raw and leaves you vulnerable and exposed.  Not everyone reciprocates our love.  Not everyone practices unconditional love.  But choosing love is always what we are called to do regardless of what is done unto us.  Love has many rewards when it is shared.  We feel a connection with another person.  We feel safe and secure.  We find our identity within the choice to love.  It has the potential to empower us and destroy us.  It is truly amazing when you find someone to share love with." 

Mom and Dad, thank you for sharing love with me.  I only hope that children who one day find themselves in my care, will one day experience the fierceness of love I know because of you both.  If I can be half the parents you are to me, I'll be set. Thank you for being such examples of godly lives, a pure marriage, and a faithful heart.  

A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

We are not breakable.  

Sunshine, over and out.  

Blueprints

Wow, time really does fly.

It's been months since my last post and I'd like to say that so much has happened, but at the same time, nothing really has.  Maybe it's because I'm constantly growing and changing, becoming and embracing more and more of the true & whole me:

I am the least and most hipster of hipsters. I'm a little more "no collar" than I've ever embraced but definitely should've sooner. Life is a lot more enjoyable when you're looking through your own eyes instead of worrying about how other's are seeing you through theirs. So here's to my friends in the mismatched patterns, flowy shirts, and birkenstocks. Those of you out there who doodle like it's their day job and whose actual day jobs may be a little unconventional, or at least you wish it was.

Speaking of unconventional... I recently have had an unreal reality check: my future isn't going to be a 'normal' one. I've decided to chase after the "impossible" and everyday I seem to find more and more people who are almost more on board than I am most days.

To the people who remember and believe in my dreams, even when I forget them: Thank you.

One of my upcoming assignments is to write about a poverty related issue in a local region. I chose at -risk children and youth in Brantford. A major portion of the paper is write out 3-5 recommendations that I would have to help tackle this issue in our society. That means I get to write about my home for emancipated youth, for homework. Yes folks- that means I am putting my dreams on paper.

It's one of the most terrifyingly exhilarating things I think I've ever anticipated.

Until I have a formal write-up, here's my heart:

No. More. Orphans.

It may not be a total reality that I see in my life time, but you best believe I'll be dedicating my life to getting that ball rolling. 

The plan for my life, is to find a property and set up a home for youth ages 16-24 that allows youth to learn life skills that they not have from parents or caregivers during their childhood and teen years. This is something that's crucial in youth that are aging out of the system that may not have had steady and solid foster home placements. Too many youth get sent out, set out, and fall out into the world who haven't the slightest clue how to cope and as a result grow into our homeless adult population - or worse.

Think about how many of the stories you've heard throughout your life of people who at one point or another "had so much potential" that no one helped grow, that no one invested in, that no one cared even to notice: Where would those people be now?

That boy under the bridge who is selling drugs, verging on an all too serious and killer addiction himself, destroying every organ inside his young body. The thing is, he's unbelievably talented when it comes to chemistry. His drugs sell the best because he's figured out what will cause the best high. What if someone told him he could be developing chemical compounds that would save lives?

What about that girl on the street corner, it's her first night out there, she's scared out of her mind...she's freezing in clothes that you wouldn't even expect to see in a music video. Thing is, she designed that outfit from scraps, she knew it'd work, she knew it'd sell. Why? Because her creativity has no ceiling. She could be a top selling, world renown fashion designer. No one will ever know that though, because her first john that night stole her and sold her in to the black market.

These are all to real realities of our world.

What if these kids had a place to go, what if they had a place here that was willing to teach them what they needed to know, to show them how to get their education, what if there was a place that provided more than a temporary roof...what if there was a place where they found hope because someone believed in them.

What if someone, just for a wrinkle in time, invested in their potential?

What if they didn't get lost, and left behind? What if no other youth fell through the cracks?

What if there wasn't any teens left to turn into our homeless adults?

What would our city look like then?

PS, I want this place to do it in:

http://www.remax.ca/on/brantford-real-estate/na-42-oxbow-road-brft_b51278-lst/

Ooh Child, things are gonna get easier.

I wrote this October 10th, 2013. My blog went nuts and changed it.

If you could go back to your teenage years, and give yourself some advice, would you? I know I would... and here's something along the lines of what I'd say to my 15 ish year old self...


Hey little one,

I know you hardly love when people call you that, but you should. Despite the lack of it, your size is something that will bring light to someone else's life: especially this little girl named Aislin, you haven't met her yet but she gets teased for being little, you'll help her see there's strength in it. Just like the day you meet Kristina Carrol and you realize that just because you're small, doesn't mean you're powerless. Don't be afraid of the extra length in your jeans, but get them hemmed my dear, there's no need to look as though you're always playing dress up. While we're on the topic of looks, embrace your curls - the sooner you do, the sooner you'll appreciate the man that gave you them, I know you miss him, and that's okay. Grandpa Curly was a great man, and he loved you very much - Gram wasn't lying when she said you were his favourite. And those curls, when you get to university, and yes - you get there, those curls will also make getting ready about 10 times faster so learn how to manage them now, it'll save you money on products and a ton of time - and guess what?..one day you'll find someone with hair just like yours, but that is a story for later.

When you make the decision to move out of your father's, that guilt you feel, don't. I know you don't want to leave your little brother behind, but just remember, part of being a hero is knowing when you don't need to be one anymore - he's gonna be just fine, you raised him right. No, you're not being selfish, it's about time you do something for yourself. Plus, it makes for a very interesting 4 years. You'll sleep on more couches than beds, but you'll learn a lot along the way.
For example, when you're staying with the Bury's, that moment Gail looks you in the face and says "Don't you rob me of the opportunity to bless you." what you feel in that moment, it's love, just hug her back. She's a wise woman and cares a lot about you. That one line, it's gonna stick with you for years to come, and in those moments you don't think you deserve the love that nice people are pouring out, remember that giving love feels almost as good as getting it. And by the way, I realize you wont know how to do it, but thank the Ellis family, you stay with them for a long time, they are the first steps in a long route of freedom...and plus, they're the ones that take you to Camp Crossroads for the first time - thank them for that especially, you meet some great friends there.

I know sometimes you feel like you're life is going nowhere, and that it's headed there fast, but hear me when I tell you that by the time your twentieth birthday rolls around, your life will be on the best path possible. Even though you've been made to feel that you are unworthy of it your whole life, you will finally begin to learn what love is..and I'll let you in on a little secret, not a single one of those boys will be the one to teach you. Not to ruin the whole surprise, but it'll be your parents, yes my darling, you get those and man oh man, they're crazy, but they'll love you more than your little heart will be able to process. But when you move in with them, dive in head first, hold nothing back, because it'll save the first 4 months wasted on fighting their love. On the note of wasting time, let dad hug you, relax, he's not going to hurt you and he's never let anyone else hurt you again either. And that's another thing, there are so, so, SO many people out there that love you already, stop fighting it. I know you're scared, but that fear, it's not of God and you know it. And yes, I realize that's easier said than done..but when you make the choice to let love in, it gets easier.

There's so much I want to tell you, and so many things I want to save you from, but if I don't let you go through it, you wont learn the lessons waiting for you in each hardship. But watch that pride, your stubbornness will often leave you learning things a much harder way than necessary.
Stop blaming yourself, it really wasn't your fault, and no, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, I can see it in your eyes. Those rockabye baby browns will always give you away. Oh and while I'm at it, put those damn blades away child, Lesley and everyone else that finds out later, they're right; those little pieces of metal are not going to do you any good, no matter what the lies tell you, not a single one of those scars is going to make anything better. Listen, the longer you hold on to them, the harder it is to let them go, and you are so much better than that.

But something I need to tell you, and this one is going to hit that soft spot you keep hidden...but that song you sang yourself to sleep with as a kid, let yourself hold it as dear to your heart as you want to, because even though no one ever sang it to you like you wished for: you do in fact become somebody's Sunshine. And I understand it terrifies you that one day you might not be her only sunshine, but please don't suffer through weeks of super anxiety, only to be calmed when you hear from one of her best friends that she can see how you've taken their grey skies away to truly believe how much they love you (yes silly, I'm referring back to those parents you get). As much as the song says, don't take my sunshine away, it's okay that you try to run away that one time, just call Krissy a few minutes sooner, she'll help you realize that it's okay that it took you running away to realize you'll always have a home to come back to.

Another thing I will save you from is that night you drive back from Vaughn after visiting with Kathryn and the girls, write down the directions before you leave, and most of all take it easy, the roads are slippery and that van in front of you is going to stop much sooner than you're ready for it too. Don't worry though, the damage will get paid for under the table, it's not on your driving record.
Oh yah! and that girl with the long black hair that you meet in media studies, the one you make that ridiculous balloon video with, in about a years time, she becomes your best friend. You'll spend more time together than is likely good for either of you, but she's going to be the one to put up with all your irrational freak outs and all of your weird thoughts. Don't worry though, she's just as strange and sarcastic as you are. Just don't forget to thank her every now and then. She really is incredible, don't be afraid to remind her - after all, she is your best friend.

I guess if I can leave you with anything, it would be to hug people back, I know you really love it - even from behind all those walls, and I know you grew up fast and you grew up hard but it's okay to just be a kid sometimes too - you've earned it. Please, please believe me when I tell you that your life really becomes something beautiful, I know it's hard to believe, but trust me on this one. Better yet, trust God, He's got a really great plan, run to Him, not away - if you do, every time you fall, the landing will be softer. I know it's hard, but it is so worth it, you're so worth it.

With love from the future,
20 year old you.

PS, Go give Mindy a hug, it's the least you can do: she's going to be the one that answers all those late night phone calls for the next couple years. She's even the one who moves you into your dorm in your first year of university, and she's going to be like a big sister to you your whole life long, thank God for her - no seriously, thank Him for her. She'll be one of the main people who gets you to at least 19, then your parents kind of take over. But that's okay, don't worry, she's still there.

Time.

I can't concentrate on anything currently except the following things that are running through my mind so if I have any hopes of being even the slightest bit productive today I'd better get writing:

Lately I've really been thinking about how amazing life, just the mere essence of being alive, really is.
Life isn't always easy, in fact, it rarely is easy. But from my experience, and maybe I'm just young and naive, it is always worth it.

I'm learning to "take chances, make mistakes, and get messy", I'd like to think Miss Frizzle would be proud. I've never been someone who could easily be found taking risks. Risks scare the hell out of me and I don't like them. I thrive on knowing all possible outcomes, I like knowing point C, I'll figure out points A and B as we go, but I need to know what's going to happen in the end.

However, I don't know if anyone else has noticed this or not, but apparently that's not how life actually works. The unknown exists, camouflaged by of anticipation of the future and what we think we want to happen. The unknown is scary. really scary.

As a Christian, I often find myself allowing this fear to overcast the promise that my life is already planned out and is part of this super cool master plan. Each one of my steps is numbered and ordered. What do I have to worry about?
All God parts aside, the tricky part that I forget about all the time is how easily and quickly the future becomes the present and then becomes the past way too quickly...and if we're so wrapped up in the next day, the next event, when our next day off is, we're going to miss it. We're going to miss growing up, and growing old. We're going to miss the beauty of a sunrise when we're on our way to work because we're already too wrapped up in what's happening in the meeting after lunch. We're going to miss the beauty of the simple things like our first sip of a really good cup of tea. We're going to miss the kids around us turning into real human beings, developing opinions, thoughts, likes and dislikes of their own.
The time is going to pass whether we're ready for it or not. What are we doing to intentionally make the most of it?

I always seem to find myself planning, filling the hours of my day with countless tasks, meetings, shifts, and events. Looking at what is coming up, making sure I'm ready for it, instead of embracing, enduring, absorbing, and learning from what's going on then and there. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to throw preparation to the wind and fly by the seat of your pants hoping you'll make the cut with your obligations.

I think all I'm trying to say is to take a deep breath, look around and take it all in.

Our lives are busy, crazy, chaotic, and full. But they're breathtaking, beautiful, and miraculous.

If I could challenge you with anything today and for days to come, it would be to look for the good in every day, learn from the bad, and breathe. Sometimes the mere thought of breathing, it's just so cool to me that we are even capable of doing that, without thinking, without trying, we just do it.